i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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