What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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