After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
