i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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