i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You pole danced in your parka.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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