i think i have two assholes
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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