just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
