Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
