Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
false alarm, still single
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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