halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
