He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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