we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
