Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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