Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
