Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Let's get the cat blown out
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
