this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
