dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
