the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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