My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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