By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
