meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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