i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
