he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
