I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize