The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
