I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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