Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
