a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My liver just had a heart attack.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
