my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
