How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
