McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
