What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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