if you like me you must not know who I am
Your face is a jimmy john
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
