Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize