i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
