Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
