That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
