i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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