I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
