just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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