Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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