so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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