so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
