hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
