just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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