There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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