I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
