I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
