If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
