I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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