If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
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Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
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THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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