The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
