I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
