the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
